I remember the first time I tangibly felt the presence of God...

My dad was admitted into the hospital- again- and my 13 year old self didn't want him to be alone, so I stayed the night with him.

This wasn't an unusual situation!

I grew up with a chronically ill father, and hospital stays were a "normal" thing.

They still are.

But being so young, I didn't realize the true gravity of his health.

I remember having such a good time! We played cards, talked about life, and belly laughed until it was time for bed. Dad has never let his trials affect his spirit.

And then, like clock work, his nurses made their rounds every few hours and I woke up every time they did.

I don't remember how many times they came in before my whole night shifted. I do know it was around 1am.

It was then, that I woke up and started registering the room around me: The sound of nurses shouting my dad's name. Seeing the room crowded with doctors all trying to wake him. The feeling of anxious energy coming from every single one. Watching... as my dad's eyes wouldn't open. Thankfully, I knew enough about the machines to read that his heart was still beating. Despite their best efforts, my dad wouldn't wake up, and they rushed him into the ICU while telling me to call my mom. She found me alone, sitting on the floor next to his empty hospital room. I can still vividly remember a lot of things from that night: Exactly what the waiting room looked like and where we were sitting. The exact view point from my little bed in the corner. My dad hooked up to an innumerable amount of machines. The anxious energy that completely consumed the hospital room... filling every corner of that place. Except somehow not within me. I remember feeling the fear and the worry pushing at every corner of my being, trying to find entrance. They almost won, too, before I felt an indescribable peace wash over me. It felt like I was being given a warm hug... and that feeling stuch with me for hours. It became the lifeline I held onto when everything felt so scary. I have a fond relationship with that feeling now. I have a fond relationship with my SAVIOR now. Ever since then, without fail, He has held me through every traumatic, fear-filled, reality-shattering moment I have experienced. It has always been in the depth of my emotion- my hard- that He has felt the most real to me. His and my relationship is built on just that: consuming fears, overwhelming realities, endless tears, and fervent prayer. I would lie if I said my life has been easy!! Far from it, actually. But I wouldn't change a thing... because it has introduced me to the majesty that God is. My life is evidence that He is real. Miracles are real. There is a limitless God out there, rooting for our revivals and successes. "Nay, in all these things we are more then conquerors through him that loved us" Romans 8:37 It has been my surrender- la rendición- the very moments that bring me to my knees, that have created an intimate, confident, and unshakeable belief in MY Savior. HE is my lifeline. He is who has helped me come out conqueror. I now desperately cling onto Him when everything feels heavy, and I happy dance with Him when everything feels right!! He is who makes it all possible, and I will forever be grateful for that. I had the beautiful opportunity to share my testimony to everyone I talked to for 3 months straight (in both Spanish and English!). Jesus Christ was the main topic of every conversation. I shared my words and my heart, but didn't have nearly enough time to say everything I wanted to before I had to walk away from that reality. I absolutely adored it. Well, this is my reality now. I still have the words, I still have the desire, and I am ready to continue praising Him loudly... just in my own way this time. By taking the words I have put on paper for over a decade now, and sharing them with you. Thank you for being here, and welcome to my story; the raw, unfiltered, genuine reality of who I am. xoxo, Lil

Jehovah-nissi ♡

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